RuyGoiaba
Leve-me ao seu líder, talquei?
05.07.19Chamar o Brasil de “país do futuro” é coisa que os próprios brasileiros sacaneiam desde que Stefan Zweig lançou o livro com esse título — desde antes, talvez. Mas o Itamaraty está aí para esfregar essa grande verdade na cara do nosso ceticismo. No G1, Matheus Leitão conta que o ministério perguntou numa prova para alunos de um curso de formação o que eles fariam diante de “uma invasão de alienígenas oriundos de Beta Centauri” (vejam que não se trata de um alienzinho mequetrefe qualquer; é um alienígena com grife).
A pergunta completa, na verdade, é um greatest hits de desgraças ocorrendo ao mesmo tempo: “Um terremoto atingiu o posto [diplomático], ao mesmo tempo que um tsunami, a explosão de uma bomba atômica por um grupo terrorista e uma invasão de alienígenas (…). Qual deverá ser a prioridade do responsável pela gestão patrimonial?”, indaga o Itamaraty. Só faltou incluir queda de avião, surto de peste bubônica e festival de sertanejo universitário nas cercanias.
Infelizmente, a reportagem do G1 não traz o gabarito da pergunta — só o Itamaraty dizendo que a “resposta certa” é preocupar-se com as pessoas, não com os bens. Mas seria muito mais legal se fosse múltipla escolha. O que o “responsável pela gestão patrimonial” deve fazer numa situação dessas? a) morrer; b) sentar sobre os escombros, chorar, depois morrer; c) ordenar à faxineira que varra os caquinhos do terremoto, do tsunami e da bomba, colocando tudo nas lixeiras adequadas para a coleta seletiva (e em hipótese alguma morrer antes disso); d) pedir que o Centrão envie alguém para negociar com os alienígenas em troca de cargos para os ETs no governo (depois morrer).
Se o diplomata insistir em sobreviver, terá de saber se os aliens são de guerra ou de paz, enquanto espana do terno a poeira dos escombros. Talvez tenha de aplicar o Enem aos visitantes intergaláticos, para verificar se eles completaram primeiro e segundo graus e estão mesmo aptos para contatos imediatos do terceiro. Vai, principalmente, precisar saber o que fazer quando o chefe dos aliens disser “leve-me ao seu líder”. A quem os ETs serão levados? Trump? Putin? Lula-lá na cadeia? Olavo de Carvalho? Delegado Waldir? Joice Hasselmann? (Voto na Joice, que servirá chazinho e dirá no Twitter que os ETs são “fofos”.)
Só o que sei é que, se levados a Jair Bolsonaro, os aliens receberiam camisas do Palmeiras, provavelmente falsificadas, e ouviriam piadas sobre o tamanho da pistola. Enfim, espero que um dia as “dinâmicas de grupo”, idiotice corporativa na qual o Itamaraty se inspirou para essa pergunta futurista, também façam esse exercício com terremoto, tsunami e bomba atômica. Só que de verdade.
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A GOIABICE DA SEMANA
Verdevaldo, “jornalista investigativo” que não sai do Twitter e grande vencedor do Prêmio Putz (copyright do meu colega Claudio Dantas), conseguiu nas suas mais recentes revelações bombásticas sobre as mensagens roubadas da Lava Jato errar dois nomes de procuradores, citar como se fosse da operação gente que não fazia parte dela e publicar mensagem com data de outubro de 2019 – um vazamento do futuro. Fora o esquema de divulgar a conta-gotas, na melhor tradição do programa de João Kléber (“daqui a pouco tem uma bomba! Não saia daí!”). Entre um curso de jornalismo ministrado por Verdevaldo e um curso de babysitting com o casal Nardoni, o segundo seria claramente menos nocivo.
João Kléber, que ainda não ganhou seu Prêmio Putz pelo “Teste de Fidelidade” --%3E%3Csvg version='1.1' id='Camada_1' xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' xmlns:xlink='http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink' x='0px' y='0px' viewBox='0 0 235.9 173.2' style='enable-background:new 0 0 235.9 173.2;' xml:space='preserve'%3E%3Cstyle type='text/css'%3E .st0%7Benable-background:new ;%7D .st1%7Bfill:%23FFFFFF;%7D .st2%7Bfill:%23904C48;%7D .st3%7Bdisplay:none;enable-background:new ;%7D%0A%3C/style%3E%3Cg class='st0'%3E%3Cpath class='st1' d='M86.1,17.1l-0.6-2.7h-3.9L81,17.1h-3.6L81.9,0h3.4l4.4,17.1H86.1z M83.6,5l-1.3,6.3h2.6L83.6,5z'/%3E%3Cpath class='st1' d='M99.1,16c-0.8,0.7-2.1,1.3-3.7,1.3c-1.7,0-2.9-0.5-3.7-1.2c-0.8-0.8-1.1-2-1.1-3.8H94c0,0.7,0,1.2,0.4,1.6 c0.2,0.2,0.5,0.4,1.1,0.4c0.5,0,0.9-0.1,1.1-0.4c0.2-0.3,0.3-0.7,0.3-1.4c0-1.6-0.3-1.9-1.5-2.4L93.1,9c-1.7-0.7-2.4-1.6-2.4-4.3 c0-1.6,0.5-2.9,1.5-3.8c0.8-0.7,1.8-1.1,3.1-1.1c1.5,0,2.6,0.4,3.4,1.1c0.9,0.9,1.3,2.2,1.3,4h-3.4c0-0.6,0-1.2-0.3-1.5 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c-0.2-0.5-0.6-0.8-1.4-0.8s-1.2,0.3-1.4,0.8c-0.5,1-0.6,3.5-0.6,6c0,2.5,0.1,5.1,0.6,6c0.2,0.5,0.6,0.8,1.4,0.8s1.2-0.3,1.4-0.8 c0.5-1,0.6-3.5,0.6-6C199.3,157.9,199.2,155.3,198.8,154.3z'/%3E%3C/g%3E%3Cg class='st3'%3E%3C/g%3E%3C/svg%3E%0A "Assine a Crusoé ou nosso combo e ganhe o novo eBook de Mario sabino")
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Hahaha muito bom, Goiaba!
essa valeu 👍
Sensacional!!! Só espero que o Verdevaldo leia esse texto, e que ele procure saber a cerca do casal Nardoni.
Hahahahahahahahaha
Essa goiaba valeu pelas gargalhadas. Mas, cuidado com a Joice: Teve jornalista que ficou quase sem emprego depois de fazer parceria com a polaca. Ela é fera!
O jornalista esqueceu de tomar o Gardenal e ficou espumando pela boca palavras sem sentido fora do microfone da Joven Pan
Foi admirável a evolução do velho, repetitivo e sem-graça Agamenon para o Goiaba. O humor e os assinantes agradecem!
Concordo, o Agamenon ficou desatualizado e se juntou com o CQC da rede Manchete de TV
Goiaba, no rol de catástrofes, o Festival Sertanejo sozinho já faria um estrago irreparável. Não daria nem para cuidar das pessoas, estariam todas em choque, ou irremediavelmente contaminadas.
Depois deste texto que venha a terça, quarta, quinta e sexta-feira pois a semana já está ganha.
sensacional Goyaba kkkkkkk
Digo Goiaba...Deve ter sido essa montoeira de desgraças ao mesmo tempo ou o sertanejo universitário que me induziu ao equívoco kkkkkkkk
Adorei esse goiaba! Rindo muito!
seu goyaba...seu texto foi leve...gostei.....não precisou encher linguiça..kkk um abraço
Esta semana está sensacional.
Ruy sempre nos surpreendendo. As alternativas de múltipla escolha que você sugeriu foram ótimas. Kkkkk
a goiabice da semana, valeu por toda vc edição. super kkkk
Nunca confie em um homem que faz amor com o bumbum. Ele provavelmente tolera muita coisa e não se incomoda com o vai e vem, aliás gosta muito. Verdevaldo adora ser impalado e acha que todos deveriam experimentar.
😂😂😂😂😂👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Rui,acabou o encanto quando citou Matheus Leitão,é rebento de Miriam?Se for,nos poupe é tão dissimulado e vingativo como a genitora.
SIM. E tem na internet ele questionando o ainda candidato Bolsonaro, que reduziu o filho da leitoa a pó de traque, quando lhe pergunta qual a cartilha que norteava as atitudes da mãe. Miriam foi presa porque a cartilha dela mandava matar sem dó nem piedade. O cinismo desta mulher não tem limites.
Nossa Goiaba, na goiabice da semana vc pegou pesado, hein! Kkkk
Verdevaldo (amigo do reinaldo-azevedo) é puro pastel de vento! Qual a próxima bomba de jujuba que vai vazar?
Adorei a Goiabice dessa semana!
Segunda parte está engraçadíssima. Ri muito.
Rui tenho mais uma alternativa para suas respostas: procurar o botão foda-se e aperta-lo
Matou a pau, Goiaba!
Do cacete. Tem que tirar mais sarro, ridicularizar, esfolar com mordacidade o Verdewaldo. Fora isso, medalha de ouro pro Claudio Dantas que renomeou , com perfeição, o prêmio merecido pela moçoila: Prêmio Putz de Antijornalismo.
Já li em algum lugar que o sr. veadovald vai receber o prêmio PUTZ DO ÂNUS em 2019.
Verdevaldo, Jornalista Investigativo, que merece elogios mil, já descobriu que as mensagens divulgadas pelo Intercept foram manipuladas. Agora, porque a PF ainda nada descobriu?
Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkj...
DÊÊÊÊÊÊ, RESPOSTA DÊÊÊÊ!!! Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...curso de babysitting com os Nardoni????? Quase caí da cadeira. Goiaba é o nosso Putz eterno. Sátiro, iconoclasta, hilário e impagável., quer dizer, pagável porue a Crusoé não é de graça, manezão!!!! Vida longa ao Goiaba!
Filho da mãe!!! Vc é um MARCO. O q deixou pra nós? Mexerica de época. Docinhas
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Fantástico!
TU É O BICHO RUY! KKKKKKKKKKKK obrigado por nos alegras com seus excelentes textos!
Esta questão é de uma falta de objetividade tremenda. O assunto é patrimônio, então o candidato vai tentar resolver com isso na cabeça, mas aí falam que tem que pensar nas pessoas. Nem pegadinha é isso. Muito imbecil. E pensar que o futuro profissional que depende de uma prova de concurso desses está na mão desses energúmenos.
Apesar das notícias ruins, as goiabices do Ruy acabam por me fazer dar muitas risadas! Conseguiu melhorar meu humor nessa sexta-feira!
E... Ruy Goiaba, quem nasceu para ser Ruy Goiaba nunca será " O bicho da goiaba"....
Verdevaldo é um alienigena maléfico! Depois de promover a destruição o próprio planeta migrou para cá com a intenção de repetir o feito. Lembrando que nos anos 60 os alienígenas eram os homenzinho verdes de Marte, o planeta vermelho! Sergio Murilo , ídolo da juventude da época, acreditava piamente que em 10 anos eles estariam aqui!
Caro Sr Goiaba, informo-lhe que também votarei na Joice, porém não poderei ficar para o chá. Quanto ao Verdevaldo, me parece que agiu como o Inspetor Clouseau ao tornar público o resultado de suas investigações, além de atribuir a si o prêmio recebido pela empresa jornalística.
Você está redondamente equivocado com a Joice: ela vocação para substituir a Hebe.
ahahahahah VerdeValdo como inspetor Clouseau deveria virar meme